Questions: An art form

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From my point of view, the best questions are those that create awareness and responsibility.

Open-ended questions requiring a descriptive answer promote awareness; for example, "What does that cost you personally, and what does it cost others?" Questions eliciting a "yes" or "no" close the door on any further detail.

The most effective questions for results qualify or gather facts. These questions often begin with what, when, who, how much, how many, etc. "Why" and "How come" questions are discouraged because they are often associated with blame and criticism, and they tend to elicit defensiveness.

As a general rule, questions should focus increasingly on more detail and more awareness on the part of the person being asked the questions. Follow their answers with more detail, but do not lead; instead, explore with curiosity about the other rather than inquiring from your own agenda or fascination. In this aspect, when asking your questions, it is important to self-manage, to be aware of the very questions you ask.

The key in asking questions is in the listening. That which you cannot say in a relationship becomes what the relationship is about. That said, this begs the question, "When we listen do we really hear?" Our natural obsession to talk, especially as leaders, must be self-managed by "active listening." Perhaps the hardest thing to learn in the art form of questioning is to listen, to really listen with rigor, keeping judgments and your own reactivity at bay.

What are you listening for? You are listening for the tone of voice in what is being said. You are listening for responsibility, for the other to see themselves as "cause in the matter."

Some examples of open-ended questions:

• What else?
• If you knew the answer, what would that be?
• If you were a ladder, how far up the ladder would you be? How invested in the result are you?
• What criteria are you basing that on?
• What is the hardest part for you?
• If you were the dental practice itself, what would you say?
• I don't know what to say, where would you go with this?

And my favorite question ... would you rather be right or happy?

Dan Kingsbury, D.D.S., life and dental coach, is a co-founder of the Dental Coaches Association, an organization of dentists who are professional coaches committed to bringing coaching to the dental profession. Learn more by visiting DentalCoachesAssociation.org.

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